A shadow of what used to be

Lately, I have been having some work related problems that's really stressing me out. I was given an ultimatum to shape up or else....well, you know the drill. Aside from being feeling so fucked up, I felt perplexed as I should have never gone to this situation. I am good and everybody knows it, so why the shit?

I tweeted about this a few days ago that I only am a shadow of my former self, that I should get out of the sunlight so I can go back to the way I used to be. Seems like I got so complacent with the fact that I am good....so good it failed. Of all the hardest things that I can ever do; admitting I am at fault is the hardest. I never do it, rarely do I even realize that I am at fault. Technically, it is a psychological glitch but I would like to call it arrogance.

Time has gone by and I forgot to doubt myself. It is essential to doubt oneself so as to see faults within your own field and I so forgot that. Trusting yourself is never a wrong thing to do, but trusting too much is. Too much of something or anything is never good. Never really good. I do not regret the things I have done because of this but I regret not having thought of it much much deeper. I was never like this before, I am a perfectionist, very much articulate, questions everyone and everything even myself but somewhere along the way I stopped asking questions. I do not know why this happened but it just did. I stopped striving for perfection, I lost my eye for detail and I lost the drive to step up and be noticed; an attribute I was really proud of back in the days.

Common practice is to promise that you are gonna be doing good just so you can impress your boss but I disagree, I am not doing it for my boss. I need to do it for myself. This is much much bigger than my career, this is something about the way that I do things on my daily life. I am losing myself, I am losing the one thing I am very proud of, i am slowly fading away just like a shadow, and without the sunlight, I am non existent. Focus is key and has always been, guess I'll just have to heed somebody's advice, rather than heed it from myself.

Maybe it will all go back to the way it was, maybe I will have to stay this way or maybe this is just a gate for a new endeavor and for a new and better me. I can never tell and neither does anyone.

Good things take time.....

...But how much of it? This is one of the saying that had made such a mark on me, not only because of what it means but also how it applies to me. I have always been an impatient soul, I never liked waiting, and I don't think anyone did. For me, things that needs waiting needs to just be left alone; I always treated time as gold, nothing is worth the waste. Most of the things I have, I had the time I wanted them; not sooner, not later. If there were things that I could wait for, it would be birthdays, i cannot rush them, they only come at a very specific time of the year. That's the deal of my impatience, I can wait as long as i know when it will be done, I can wait for years; as long as I know when it will happen, precisely.

In the past years of my life, there were just things that I couldn't have controlled even with everything that i have. They are the ones bound by time, things that i need to wait for so I can savor them later. I never knew it was possible, once I leave something behind, I never look back. Little did I know that if it is for you, it is for you, no matter how you left it behind, it will always be yours, following you around until it meets your eyes again.

Sometimes, you think you are waiting, but for the most part, it's you they are waiting for. It might be perplexing but it can't be anymore true. You may think that it is you that needs to wait to have something. If you think hard enough, things may not be in your hands because you are not yet ready for it, thus, they wait for you and you don't even know a thing about it.

I used to focus on not waiting because i think time is wasted. Now I learned that you may have to look at things twice and wait for a little longer so you may see if it is worth it, or if there is really a waste. The more we haste, the more we waste.

Goodbye's the saddest word i'll ever hear...

It is a song sung by Celine Dion, my friend sang this one about two nights ago, when we went out to do a last blow of party for our friend leaving the company. It was sad that he has to leave us behind but nevertheless, joy is still at hand as he is about to pursue his career at a field that i know he would be best at. There was no time for sad goodbyes, we knew this would not be the last time we will see each other but rather the last time that we will be going out as people working at the same office. We sang the night away and watched others dance through it. Guys with me should now what this is about. *laughs*

He was a very good friend, I can never forget how he took care of me when I was coming to work sick, he always brings me sandwiches that i can easily swallow since i have a few throat problems back then. I can never forget him for being the bigger sister I never had, guiding me through things i didn't really know and helping me cope up with events I am not really familiar with. I can never thank him enough for all the things he has taught me and things he had showed me. It has always been a delight for him to tell me anecdotes of his early life as it is particularly old for someone my age, especially this one time he told me that trains once used tokens for admission.

I am so fond of the memories that we shared, when we'd just stare at the road and then suddenly laugh together because we saw someone hideous looking or someone funny in any case. Those times we're walking and suddenly would come to a halt while turning our heads around cause a cute guy just passed by. I can never get enough of the gayness that emanates from us whenever we get really excited about anything. The food that we really enjoy, so much of it...really! And the times that we are so worried/worrying about our tummies growing faster than our boobies. The drinking sessions that we had, drinking until we puke ourselves on the street, though it never really got close to that. The bowel chronicles and all that gross stuff we talked and are still talking about! ewwwwness!

You will always be a very dear friend to me. We may be miles apart but our hearts will always be together as friendship knots them really tight. I know we will still go out to laugh at people, to turn heads to cuties and to eat....a lot. I will always miss you friend!

P're mahal ko na eh!

OK, so i was just minding my own business, trying to find my way into dreamland when suddenly my phone rang and it seems that a long time friend of mine, (who also has not been giving me a call or just a freakin' message for a long time too) is on the other line. Enthusiastically, I answered the phone, what i got was one gloomy hello.

May problema pala yung barakada ko, pero bago ang lahat bibigyan ko muna xa ng background so you can imagine his mental image. He is 5 feet 11 inches tall, muscular toned, tisoy, chinito, malaki titi nya (nakita ko na kasi minsan), magaling daw sa kama, matalino, may kaya, may matinong trabaho at higit sa lahat...sobrang babaero! Nuknukan ng hilig sa pepe! as in! So aun na nga, tumawag siya sa akin kanina tapos sabay kwento na meron daw siyang bagong gf, 4 months na daw sila, it is worth noting na second girl pa lang ito na nilabel nya as girlfriend, kasi ayaw nya ng commitment. Tapso sabay kwento na di pa daw sila nakakapag all the way, puro blowjob lang daw at saka second base; believe me, malibog ako, pro pag kwentong hetero sex, i just don't get it. Kagabi daw, dapat magsesex sila, until...

Friend: kasi dude pareho kayo eh!
Ako: O e anu naun? ayus nga yun eh, maganda siya, matalino, may breeding, at mayaman!
Friend: yeah she is all that and more, are you even listening?
Ako: E try mo kyang kausapin sarili mo gusto mo?
Friend: Nope, I mean pareho talaga kayo!
Ako: Uhm...enlighten me, I feel so dumb!
Friend: O eto na lang, pare pareho tau.
Ako: Oo nga, we're all damn rich!
Friend: No we all have something in common..physically
Ako: pare pareho tau gorgeous?
Friend: No I mean Physically! Don't play stupid!
Ako: Siyet ka! (tumatawa na kasi alam ko na ang ibig nyang sabihin) Say it! C'mon! say it! I wanna hear it from you!
Friend: Dude may titi siya! may titi! naririnig mo ba ko?
Ako: Ah baklang crossdresser!
Friend: You make it sound like it is nothing
Ako: It is nothing, ano ba problema? you can always find someone better than her, at yung tunay na her!
Friend; Yun na nga yung problema eh, magkatext pa din kami ngayon eh!
Ako: O e ano ngayon? may pinagsamahan pa din naman kayo after all! hahaha! namamakla ka na din pla, di ka man lang nagpatikim sa akin!
Friend: Gago! Ikaw lang may ayaw! pero hindi! may problema kasi eh!
Ako: bakit pre? nabuntis mo? Hahahahahaha! isa pa! hahahahaha!
Friend: Bobo! Hindi yun! kasi p're mahal ko na eh!
Ako:.......long silence...... Potah ka! kung ako na lang sana!

So there, you read it right, my womanizer friend fell in love with a tranny! I don't know how it happened basta I just know it did! he was actually confused if he was turning gay kasi he is still in love with the girl(guy). I just have a single stand on this, you fall in love with the person, not the gender and definitely not on what people has to say about him/her!

What do i get?

I don't know how to start this post! I don't know what kind of douchebags do I choose for friends. So here's how it goes, I want to go to Baguio. My friend and I has already planned this but there is one thing left unfixed; my schedule. You see, my rest days are on Sundays and Mondays and the trip is scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, I need to find someone to stand in my place so I can properly file my leave. I was expecting my ever reliable friend to do so for me, but guess what? He did not! I am just so annoyed because he is doing this for his crazy boyfriend who, I forgot to mention, recently dumped him because he had a schizo mind! Fuck that! With all of these that happened, he would still rather go there than to delay that for a few hours so he can stand in for me! Fuck that! I may not understand the real mechanics of love but i do understand the mechanics of friendship very well. I am not shoving these thing up his face because I know that it is wrong but hey! This is the first time that I am asking for such a favor1 I am not asking him to cancel his trip, I am just asking him to delay it for a few hours; this may be too much to ask for him but can't I just ask this for a single time? This would be my first time laying a foot on Baguio land and he knows this and he can't even fucking compromise! I hate it! I fucking hate it! I always give him the favors he is asking for and this is just a single favor I am asking for and this is what I get? I will kneel in front of him if that is what he wants, I will do anything he wants me to do; I am this much desperate to have Saturday taken off of my schedule! So this is what I get for all the things I have done. Great! Just fucking great!

Pink Eye Graphics & Pink Pictures

Ako yung tipo nang tao na laging inaasahan ng lahat na may sagot sa lahat ng maisip nilang itanong. OO! Bookworm ako, mahilig magbasa ng libro, mahilig maghanap ng trivia sa net at kung anu anu pang kaalaman. Knowledge is power, naniwala ako kay Ernie baron (sumalangit nawa) nung sinabi nya yan. I proved it to be very true and very useful. para akong computer, pwede mong iprogram ang gusto mong ipagawa sa akin, as long as hindi yan math, siguradong pulido ang pagkagawa ko diyan may mga extras pa na mas magpapaganda sa buong project. Magyayabang na ako kasi totoo naman tsaka blog ko naman ito; totoong MATALINO AKO! Kahit nung bata pa ako, lagi akong teacher's pet, hindi dahil sip sip ako kundi dahil naaliw sila sa katalinuhan ko, effortless. Maasahan ako ng teacher ko na magrecite sa bawat lesson (except math) lalo na kung lahat ng classmate ko nag give up na na itry sagutin yung mga tanong nya. Pag nageexam noong nagaaral pa ako, hindi ako nagrereview, kung ano lang ang naintindihan ko na tinuro ng teacher yun na yun. Hindi rin ako nag nonotes kasi istorbo lang yan sa pakikinig ko sa teacher ko. Hindi ako nahirapan mag-aral ever, yun ang bagay na pinakagusto kong gawin sa buhay ko. I love learning things and I never get tired of it.

Pag may nanghihingi sa akin ng advice tungkol sa kahit anong bagay, hindi ko kailangan isipin kung ano ang ibibigay ko, kinekwento pa lang nya yan, naiisip ko na isasagot, natapos ko na nga yung kwento nya sa utak ko eh. I am not trying to do this, normal sa akin ito. Wala akong magagawa kung ayaw mo maniwala pero ganyan talaga ako, may sa manghuhula; nahuhulaan ko na ang kakalabasan ng bagay ayon sa mga naikwento at naobserbahan ko na. Hindi ko na kasalanan na kaya icorrelate ng utak ko ang previous experiences ko, ng ibang tao, ng present circumstances, statistical data, para mag predict ng mga magiging outcome ng mga bagay bagay. It comes naturally...for me.

Dati, hindi ko alam na hindi pala lahat ng tao kasing talino ko, ang alam ko dati, ang nagagawa ko, nagagawa din ng ibang tao, kasi halos nakakasabay naman sila sa akin eh. Ang ipinagkaiba pala nila sa akin; sagad na nila yun, sa akin, normal lang, kaya ko pang mag effort para sa full effect, sila, wala na maibubuga pa, kahit anong pilit hanggang dun na lang. Even I don't know how far can i go, cause i never needed to, normal na bagay pa lang na ginagawa ko, nahihirapan na sila pantayan. Praktikal ako, hindi ko papagurin ang sarili ko para lang sukatin kung hanggang saan ako. Kung eeffort man ako gusto ko yung may silbi, hindi para manukat lang, corny yun. I never needed to push my self to impress anybody, cause they already are and i do it without even batting an eyelash.

I have great people skills. Mabulaklak daw ang aking dila sabi ng nanay ko. I have a sweet tongue. Malakas ang convincing powers ko. pag nakikipagusap ako sa tao, I don't swoon them with looks, i swoon them with personality and verbiage. Magaling ako makipagrelate sa kahit sino. Para akong tubig, kahit san mo ilagay i take up the shape of my container. Don't get me wrong, hindi ako plastik na tao, nagkataon lang na alam ko kung papaano i-rub ang different people the right way. I am a people pleaser; kahit sino naaaliw kausap ako and I mean kahit sino and again, I do it normally, I do not do it on purpose. I love learnig kaya para sa akin ang pakikipagusap sa kahit na sinong tao ay form of educating myself and i believe it makes me grow; I hope I help them grow too.

Ang mahirap sa pagiging matalino, know-it-all, walking encyclopedia ay pag ako na ang nahihirapan. Hindi ako magaling sa math, sumpa sa buhay ko yan eh. Pinagtatawanan nila ko pag nalalaman nilang di ako magaling jan. Pag ako na yung may problema, wala nang makatulong, hindi dahil ayaw nila; sadyang di lang talaga nila kaya. Hindi nila maibigay ang uri ng sagot na nais ko, mas malalim sa ibinibigay nila, katulad ng binibigay ko sa kanila pag kailangan nila ng tulong, kaso mahirap maghanap ng katulad ko, may 2 pa lang ako nakilala at naging kaibigan ko sila.

Maraming tao ang feel na feel na umasa sa akin kasi magaling daw ako (sa lahat! ahihihi!). Feel na feel nila na sa akin itanong lahat, ikonsulta lahat. Strong din ang personality ko kaya lagi din sila sumasandal sa akin for emotional support. Minsan kinocorrect ko sila na hindi ako strong sadyang kaunti lang ang emotions ko. i am very logical and analytic kaya hindi masayadong nagmamatter sa akin ang feelings, they're crappy anyways (bitter). Pero minsan may mga pagkakataon pa din naman na ako ang nangangailangan ng suporta. Paano pag ako na ang kailangan umasa? Paano pag ako naman ang gustong sumandal? Paano kung dumating ang panahon na tumulo din ang luha ko? Pwede kaya ako umasa? Sumandal? Umiyak? Sa kanila? Minsan kasi nanghihina din ako eh.

" The problem with you being smarter and stronger is because everybody seems dumber and weaker"

ewan

Pink Eye Graphics & Pink Pictures

pano ba kasi mag add ng banner! can someone help me? anyone?

Long enough. Deep enough.

Masyado akong mapili sa mga bagay na binibigyan ko ng pansin. Praktikal akong tao, kung walang silbi ang isang bagay/tao sa akin, wala akong pakialam, kahit gulungan pa yan ng trak! Ito ang dahilan kung bakit parang hindi yata ako marunong magmahal; akala ko alam ko na yang salitang yan pero, uhm, hindi pa pala. Madalas akong magka-crush sa kung sino sino na lang, pakitaan lang ako ng konting bait, konting ngiti, pag pogi, pag maganda katawan, pag matalino, pag mayaman; ayun crush ko na, at heto pa, pwedeng isa lang sa mga yan ang meron siya, pag all of the above, e 'di mas winner. Seryoso, kahit sino na mapalapit sakin na lalaki, at one point nagkacrush ako, vulnerable ako sa ganyan eh, akala ko nga lagi, naiinlab na ko, yun pala hindi pa. I'm still far from experiencing that wonderful feeling. Don't get me wrong, hindi naman ako anti-love. Hindi pa lang siguro dumarating yung panahon na mararamdaman ko yun. There was this one time, nagkacrush ako sa kaopis ko na itago na lang natin sa initials na JG. Super bait ng taong ito, super cute, super tangkad, lahat na yata ng super nasa kanya na. Meron lang dalawang problema sa taong ito, una, medyo mayabang; at pangalawa, medyo walang modo. Natitiis ko naman yung mga flaws niya eh, akala ko talaga minahal ko na siya, kasi halos iyakan ko na yun, well, di ko na nga matandaan, pero parang iniyakan ko na yun eh, kasi hindi naman niya ako gusto. Matagal din ako nagpakabaliw sa kanya, mga mag iisang buwan din yun. On the third week of my being love-drunk, ayun, nakilala ko si L, ang bago kong mahal. Parang bagyo lang yung akala kong pagmamahal ko kay JG, dumating na malakas na ulan at hangin tapos bigla na lang huminto, hindi man lang ako umabot sa puntong umambon muna bago tumigil. Tulad din ng isang bagyo, lumipat sa ibang lugar ang wetness ko, napunta kay L. Cute si L, chinito, inchik; tunay na inchik, may chinese name pa nga siya eh. Mabait din si L, mas mabait kay JG, mas galante kay JG, mas may finesse kay JG. I thought the change of heart was caused by his better attributes, per as usual, mali na naman ako. Dumating si R...alam mo na yun, lumipat ang mata ko sa kanya, he's not even at par with JG pero muka siyang masarap sa kama. lahat sila may expiry date ang pagkacrush ko; isang buwan, hanggang ngayon ganyan ako, lahat ng nagugustuhan ko at "minamahal" ko isang buwan lang, nagwiwither na yung feelings. Ewan ko kung bakit, ang sigurado ko wala sa kanila yung problema, nasa akin. Pwede akong humanap ng isang libo't sang dahilan para sisihin sila sa pagkawala ng feelings ko pero alam ko sa sarili ko na nasa akin ang problema. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ako ngunit nakakasiguro ako na masaya ako sa ganito, walang hang-ups, walang sakit, wala naman siguro akong nasasaktan. No one can convince me that i can have someone fall that hard in a month, cynic na kung cynic pero sa alam ko walang ganun kasi ako hindi. Sabi ng isa kong friend na psychologist baka daw ito ay sanhi ng subconscious mind ko na umiwas sa sakit dahil baka subconsciously takot akong masaktan at magmahal. Siyempre bilang isang dakilang call center agent, may rebuttal ako:

"I just don't think I met the one that will make me fall long enough, deep enough, for more than a month"

Siguro sa susunod dalawang buwan naman diba? ;)

ang drayber ko

Nakakaloka ang araw na ito! Nagsabay kasi kami ng friend ko papasok sa opis, aun, xa nag nagdrive, asus! She embodied the female driver cliche to teh extreme! Grabe, okay lang yung bagal pero super mapagbigay, super ingat! NowI understand why she gave as much as 2 hours of allowance para sa travel time, considerign na hindi naman kami magsasakay ng pasahero along the way unless he si super cute, pero under negotiation pa naman yun. Shedoes not want to take anyrisk, I understand it is for teh greater good pero grabe naman na yata yun, in life, you take risks and move forward or you stay safe and not move at all. Just like any investment, the greater the risk, the greater the gain and loss. Life si always a fair playing field, what matters is on which side will you take part. Nung isang araw naglalakas ako sa mall, tapos may nakita akong super gandang damit. I don't know if they have a size 0 shirt of that same style, kasi medyo mahirap maghanap ng ganung size but still, I went inside the store and asked, so, there, they have a size zero, super saya ko lang. i did not even fit the shirt, kasi nga, alam ko na ang size ko matagal na. Same with life, if you do not try you will most likely never know unless super chismosa ka. What freaks me out the most i that we are runnign at 60kph and she beeps out on every pedestrian on the street which isapproximately 10 meters away from us. It was very funny! She shouldnt even be doing that at 5 meters but there she is, honking like there is no tomorrow! Finally we arrived at the office, safe and sound. Nagsisisigaw pa kami na we are soooo alive. This makes me think, that sometimes doing it slowly but surely would benefit nonetheless, impatient people like me should learn that lesson. The shirt? when i went home, i tried it on only to find out that it was too small. I gained a few and i did'nt care enough to see how it fits on the store; ayun, binigay ko na lang sa utol ko. Asar!

Summer...

Summer is here! Everyone I know is, was and will be heading to a summer destination of their choice this season. Most companies I know has their own company outing planned; or at most; has come and gone. Summer is my most favorite season, this is the time where i can soak up in the sun, without everyone thinking I'm a dum-dum. You see, I love the sun and the beach; well actually, any body of water conducive for a dip. Summer is a season of laughter, outings and pure, awesome hotness-not in a perverted way, but if you like to think so, then do so.

This is one of the two seasons that we have here in the country, some others have 4; others have one-whole year round, but even a 1 season country, changes occur. Just like seasons, people change-a lot. it is a cliche, I know, but change is inevitable, and it really is. it's elusive but it's just around the corner, doesn't come when you need it but always comes when you don't. Sometimes, when you just want the world to stop and stay the same, things happen, changes take place. At times, events seem to be too dire, that you just want change, but as ironic as it can get, things get more stagnant...stuck.

I wish a few friends of mine would just stay the same as they were when we met, but that is just plain bull, changes would mean growth; and we all want people close to us to grow. most of them change for the better, but a few change for the worse: After some thought, I realized that nobody changes for the worse, the word better is relative to the observing person, culture, values, and peer influence can also be factors to the word better. Sometimes, worse is a single word to describe things that you don't want your friend doing because of a lot of things, what matters is you do not like any of it and as long as it doe not fit your standards, it will be labeled "worse." Time is a forward force, you can't really grow backwards, every movement is getting you one step ahead of yourself. Choice is the most wonderful gift that the Creator has given to us; whatever we choose, the most important thing is that it makes us happy and that we don't hurt anyone else. Differences, make us diverse; learn to benefit from it. Perception is how we view concepts from our point of view, This is naturally narrow, it wouldn't really be called a point if it's wide.

B2B

The title is an acronym (?) for my current status....Back to Blogging. O ha O ha! Umaacronym pa. Well, i only did a single post for this blog simply because I got too busy with my new job; however, i got so used to it, that it became such a bore. need a little diversity and a little form of expression, kinda loaded up recently. I'm working in the morning shift and it's more boring at this shift since it is the least busy time of the day...as in no busyness at all. So here i am again, trying to rekindle the juice I lost quite a few months/years ago....

Things got a little bit rocky when i learned that my not so long time crush just had a boyfriend, did not really got hurt but was a little shocked, On a casual day, after he gave me a ring he got for me when" they went to Baguio, he just told me casually, "Kami na ni chorvah". Good thing I was already bound home that time so i did go home the fastest way I can, I was literally trembling over the words he said, me riding the Jeep for 30 minutes or so was like burning in hell, that time, what i wanted to do is just to go home, lie in bed and sulk in tears. 30 mins or so of hell was over and I was finally home. Lying in bed, I was waiting for the tears to come, 5, 10, 15, 30 minutes had passed but they are nowhere near. I was taken aback that no tears had fallen since i usually am a cry baby when it comes to these events, but I guess, time teaches teh best. Since I am nowhere near crying I jumped off the bed and went out...to the mall for some coffee, my only refuge, when all else fails, sugar rush doesn't. There outside the mall, I was watching passers by....we...pass by, when i thought of texting B (one of my gurlfriends) to come over and join me, seems like she also has her own share of heartaches, and then there we were, talking about how the guys we think we loved had dumped us but failed to give us the hurt we were prepared for. Maybe we prepared for it too hard, and our hearts....just as hard.

As we were talking we noticed that for some time now we were trying to be so nice to other people that we forgot about ourselves. I think for sometime we both neglected our health, the way we look, the way we talk, the way we do things. We used to be very independent, strong and simply oblivious that love existed but all of a sudden it dawned upon us that we no longer know who we are now; we are a mere product of what we thought boys would like, not us, just someone else we created. So we agreed that form now on, we'll start rebuilding ourselves that way it was, some changes really are not for the better, but we can always change it back and a little bit better. We'll start going to spa's again, salons and stuff like that. A friend of hers said, "Hindi mo siya mahal, nasanay ka lang na nadiyan siya" and she is perfectly right. I just got used to him, there was love...maybe but nothing romantic, just got used to the thought and got so attached to the thought, not the person. The thought was lost, so is the attachment, not a single piece of my heart was shattered, not a bone broken, not a finger swollen. Now I can finally say...watch out. The bitch is back!