A shadow of what used to be

Lately, I have been having some work related problems that's really stressing me out. I was given an ultimatum to shape up or else....well, you know the drill. Aside from being feeling so fucked up, I felt perplexed as I should have never gone to this situation. I am good and everybody knows it, so why the shit?

I tweeted about this a few days ago that I only am a shadow of my former self, that I should get out of the sunlight so I can go back to the way I used to be. Seems like I got so complacent with the fact that I am good....so good it failed. Of all the hardest things that I can ever do; admitting I am at fault is the hardest. I never do it, rarely do I even realize that I am at fault. Technically, it is a psychological glitch but I would like to call it arrogance.

Time has gone by and I forgot to doubt myself. It is essential to doubt oneself so as to see faults within your own field and I so forgot that. Trusting yourself is never a wrong thing to do, but trusting too much is. Too much of something or anything is never good. Never really good. I do not regret the things I have done because of this but I regret not having thought of it much much deeper. I was never like this before, I am a perfectionist, very much articulate, questions everyone and everything even myself but somewhere along the way I stopped asking questions. I do not know why this happened but it just did. I stopped striving for perfection, I lost my eye for detail and I lost the drive to step up and be noticed; an attribute I was really proud of back in the days.

Common practice is to promise that you are gonna be doing good just so you can impress your boss but I disagree, I am not doing it for my boss. I need to do it for myself. This is much much bigger than my career, this is something about the way that I do things on my daily life. I am losing myself, I am losing the one thing I am very proud of, i am slowly fading away just like a shadow, and without the sunlight, I am non existent. Focus is key and has always been, guess I'll just have to heed somebody's advice, rather than heed it from myself.

Maybe it will all go back to the way it was, maybe I will have to stay this way or maybe this is just a gate for a new endeavor and for a new and better me. I can never tell and neither does anyone.

Good things take time.....

...But how much of it? This is one of the saying that had made such a mark on me, not only because of what it means but also how it applies to me. I have always been an impatient soul, I never liked waiting, and I don't think anyone did. For me, things that needs waiting needs to just be left alone; I always treated time as gold, nothing is worth the waste. Most of the things I have, I had the time I wanted them; not sooner, not later. If there were things that I could wait for, it would be birthdays, i cannot rush them, they only come at a very specific time of the year. That's the deal of my impatience, I can wait as long as i know when it will be done, I can wait for years; as long as I know when it will happen, precisely.

In the past years of my life, there were just things that I couldn't have controlled even with everything that i have. They are the ones bound by time, things that i need to wait for so I can savor them later. I never knew it was possible, once I leave something behind, I never look back. Little did I know that if it is for you, it is for you, no matter how you left it behind, it will always be yours, following you around until it meets your eyes again.

Sometimes, you think you are waiting, but for the most part, it's you they are waiting for. It might be perplexing but it can't be anymore true. You may think that it is you that needs to wait to have something. If you think hard enough, things may not be in your hands because you are not yet ready for it, thus, they wait for you and you don't even know a thing about it.

I used to focus on not waiting because i think time is wasted. Now I learned that you may have to look at things twice and wait for a little longer so you may see if it is worth it, or if there is really a waste. The more we haste, the more we waste.

Goodbye's the saddest word i'll ever hear...

It is a song sung by Celine Dion, my friend sang this one about two nights ago, when we went out to do a last blow of party for our friend leaving the company. It was sad that he has to leave us behind but nevertheless, joy is still at hand as he is about to pursue his career at a field that i know he would be best at. There was no time for sad goodbyes, we knew this would not be the last time we will see each other but rather the last time that we will be going out as people working at the same office. We sang the night away and watched others dance through it. Guys with me should now what this is about. *laughs*

He was a very good friend, I can never forget how he took care of me when I was coming to work sick, he always brings me sandwiches that i can easily swallow since i have a few throat problems back then. I can never forget him for being the bigger sister I never had, guiding me through things i didn't really know and helping me cope up with events I am not really familiar with. I can never thank him enough for all the things he has taught me and things he had showed me. It has always been a delight for him to tell me anecdotes of his early life as it is particularly old for someone my age, especially this one time he told me that trains once used tokens for admission.

I am so fond of the memories that we shared, when we'd just stare at the road and then suddenly laugh together because we saw someone hideous looking or someone funny in any case. Those times we're walking and suddenly would come to a halt while turning our heads around cause a cute guy just passed by. I can never get enough of the gayness that emanates from us whenever we get really excited about anything. The food that we really enjoy, so much of it...really! And the times that we are so worried/worrying about our tummies growing faster than our boobies. The drinking sessions that we had, drinking until we puke ourselves on the street, though it never really got close to that. The bowel chronicles and all that gross stuff we talked and are still talking about! ewwwwness!

You will always be a very dear friend to me. We may be miles apart but our hearts will always be together as friendship knots them really tight. I know we will still go out to laugh at people, to turn heads to cuties and to eat....a lot. I will always miss you friend!

P're mahal ko na eh!

OK, so i was just minding my own business, trying to find my way into dreamland when suddenly my phone rang and it seems that a long time friend of mine, (who also has not been giving me a call or just a freakin' message for a long time too) is on the other line. Enthusiastically, I answered the phone, what i got was one gloomy hello.

May problema pala yung barakada ko, pero bago ang lahat bibigyan ko muna xa ng background so you can imagine his mental image. He is 5 feet 11 inches tall, muscular toned, tisoy, chinito, malaki titi nya (nakita ko na kasi minsan), magaling daw sa kama, matalino, may kaya, may matinong trabaho at higit sa lahat...sobrang babaero! Nuknukan ng hilig sa pepe! as in! So aun na nga, tumawag siya sa akin kanina tapos sabay kwento na meron daw siyang bagong gf, 4 months na daw sila, it is worth noting na second girl pa lang ito na nilabel nya as girlfriend, kasi ayaw nya ng commitment. Tapso sabay kwento na di pa daw sila nakakapag all the way, puro blowjob lang daw at saka second base; believe me, malibog ako, pro pag kwentong hetero sex, i just don't get it. Kagabi daw, dapat magsesex sila, until...

Friend: kasi dude pareho kayo eh!
Ako: O e anu naun? ayus nga yun eh, maganda siya, matalino, may breeding, at mayaman!
Friend: yeah she is all that and more, are you even listening?
Ako: E try mo kyang kausapin sarili mo gusto mo?
Friend: Nope, I mean pareho talaga kayo!
Ako: Uhm...enlighten me, I feel so dumb!
Friend: O eto na lang, pare pareho tau.
Ako: Oo nga, we're all damn rich!
Friend: No we all have something in common..physically
Ako: pare pareho tau gorgeous?
Friend: No I mean Physically! Don't play stupid!
Ako: Siyet ka! (tumatawa na kasi alam ko na ang ibig nyang sabihin) Say it! C'mon! say it! I wanna hear it from you!
Friend: Dude may titi siya! may titi! naririnig mo ba ko?
Ako: Ah baklang crossdresser!
Friend: You make it sound like it is nothing
Ako: It is nothing, ano ba problema? you can always find someone better than her, at yung tunay na her!
Friend; Yun na nga yung problema eh, magkatext pa din kami ngayon eh!
Ako: O e ano ngayon? may pinagsamahan pa din naman kayo after all! hahaha! namamakla ka na din pla, di ka man lang nagpatikim sa akin!
Friend: Gago! Ikaw lang may ayaw! pero hindi! may problema kasi eh!
Ako: bakit pre? nabuntis mo? Hahahahahaha! isa pa! hahahahaha!
Friend: Bobo! Hindi yun! kasi p're mahal ko na eh!
Ako:.......long silence...... Potah ka! kung ako na lang sana!

So there, you read it right, my womanizer friend fell in love with a tranny! I don't know how it happened basta I just know it did! he was actually confused if he was turning gay kasi he is still in love with the girl(guy). I just have a single stand on this, you fall in love with the person, not the gender and definitely not on what people has to say about him/her!

What do i get?

I don't know how to start this post! I don't know what kind of douchebags do I choose for friends. So here's how it goes, I want to go to Baguio. My friend and I has already planned this but there is one thing left unfixed; my schedule. You see, my rest days are on Sundays and Mondays and the trip is scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, I need to find someone to stand in my place so I can properly file my leave. I was expecting my ever reliable friend to do so for me, but guess what? He did not! I am just so annoyed because he is doing this for his crazy boyfriend who, I forgot to mention, recently dumped him because he had a schizo mind! Fuck that! With all of these that happened, he would still rather go there than to delay that for a few hours so he can stand in for me! Fuck that! I may not understand the real mechanics of love but i do understand the mechanics of friendship very well. I am not shoving these thing up his face because I know that it is wrong but hey! This is the first time that I am asking for such a favor1 I am not asking him to cancel his trip, I am just asking him to delay it for a few hours; this may be too much to ask for him but can't I just ask this for a single time? This would be my first time laying a foot on Baguio land and he knows this and he can't even fucking compromise! I hate it! I fucking hate it! I always give him the favors he is asking for and this is just a single favor I am asking for and this is what I get? I will kneel in front of him if that is what he wants, I will do anything he wants me to do; I am this much desperate to have Saturday taken off of my schedule! So this is what I get for all the things I have done. Great! Just fucking great!

Pink Eye Graphics & Pink Pictures

Ako yung tipo nang tao na laging inaasahan ng lahat na may sagot sa lahat ng maisip nilang itanong. OO! Bookworm ako, mahilig magbasa ng libro, mahilig maghanap ng trivia sa net at kung anu anu pang kaalaman. Knowledge is power, naniwala ako kay Ernie baron (sumalangit nawa) nung sinabi nya yan. I proved it to be very true and very useful. para akong computer, pwede mong iprogram ang gusto mong ipagawa sa akin, as long as hindi yan math, siguradong pulido ang pagkagawa ko diyan may mga extras pa na mas magpapaganda sa buong project. Magyayabang na ako kasi totoo naman tsaka blog ko naman ito; totoong MATALINO AKO! Kahit nung bata pa ako, lagi akong teacher's pet, hindi dahil sip sip ako kundi dahil naaliw sila sa katalinuhan ko, effortless. Maasahan ako ng teacher ko na magrecite sa bawat lesson (except math) lalo na kung lahat ng classmate ko nag give up na na itry sagutin yung mga tanong nya. Pag nageexam noong nagaaral pa ako, hindi ako nagrereview, kung ano lang ang naintindihan ko na tinuro ng teacher yun na yun. Hindi rin ako nag nonotes kasi istorbo lang yan sa pakikinig ko sa teacher ko. Hindi ako nahirapan mag-aral ever, yun ang bagay na pinakagusto kong gawin sa buhay ko. I love learning things and I never get tired of it.

Pag may nanghihingi sa akin ng advice tungkol sa kahit anong bagay, hindi ko kailangan isipin kung ano ang ibibigay ko, kinekwento pa lang nya yan, naiisip ko na isasagot, natapos ko na nga yung kwento nya sa utak ko eh. I am not trying to do this, normal sa akin ito. Wala akong magagawa kung ayaw mo maniwala pero ganyan talaga ako, may sa manghuhula; nahuhulaan ko na ang kakalabasan ng bagay ayon sa mga naikwento at naobserbahan ko na. Hindi ko na kasalanan na kaya icorrelate ng utak ko ang previous experiences ko, ng ibang tao, ng present circumstances, statistical data, para mag predict ng mga magiging outcome ng mga bagay bagay. It comes naturally...for me.

Dati, hindi ko alam na hindi pala lahat ng tao kasing talino ko, ang alam ko dati, ang nagagawa ko, nagagawa din ng ibang tao, kasi halos nakakasabay naman sila sa akin eh. Ang ipinagkaiba pala nila sa akin; sagad na nila yun, sa akin, normal lang, kaya ko pang mag effort para sa full effect, sila, wala na maibubuga pa, kahit anong pilit hanggang dun na lang. Even I don't know how far can i go, cause i never needed to, normal na bagay pa lang na ginagawa ko, nahihirapan na sila pantayan. Praktikal ako, hindi ko papagurin ang sarili ko para lang sukatin kung hanggang saan ako. Kung eeffort man ako gusto ko yung may silbi, hindi para manukat lang, corny yun. I never needed to push my self to impress anybody, cause they already are and i do it without even batting an eyelash.

I have great people skills. Mabulaklak daw ang aking dila sabi ng nanay ko. I have a sweet tongue. Malakas ang convincing powers ko. pag nakikipagusap ako sa tao, I don't swoon them with looks, i swoon them with personality and verbiage. Magaling ako makipagrelate sa kahit sino. Para akong tubig, kahit san mo ilagay i take up the shape of my container. Don't get me wrong, hindi ako plastik na tao, nagkataon lang na alam ko kung papaano i-rub ang different people the right way. I am a people pleaser; kahit sino naaaliw kausap ako and I mean kahit sino and again, I do it normally, I do not do it on purpose. I love learnig kaya para sa akin ang pakikipagusap sa kahit na sinong tao ay form of educating myself and i believe it makes me grow; I hope I help them grow too.

Ang mahirap sa pagiging matalino, know-it-all, walking encyclopedia ay pag ako na ang nahihirapan. Hindi ako magaling sa math, sumpa sa buhay ko yan eh. Pinagtatawanan nila ko pag nalalaman nilang di ako magaling jan. Pag ako na yung may problema, wala nang makatulong, hindi dahil ayaw nila; sadyang di lang talaga nila kaya. Hindi nila maibigay ang uri ng sagot na nais ko, mas malalim sa ibinibigay nila, katulad ng binibigay ko sa kanila pag kailangan nila ng tulong, kaso mahirap maghanap ng katulad ko, may 2 pa lang ako nakilala at naging kaibigan ko sila.

Maraming tao ang feel na feel na umasa sa akin kasi magaling daw ako (sa lahat! ahihihi!). Feel na feel nila na sa akin itanong lahat, ikonsulta lahat. Strong din ang personality ko kaya lagi din sila sumasandal sa akin for emotional support. Minsan kinocorrect ko sila na hindi ako strong sadyang kaunti lang ang emotions ko. i am very logical and analytic kaya hindi masayadong nagmamatter sa akin ang feelings, they're crappy anyways (bitter). Pero minsan may mga pagkakataon pa din naman na ako ang nangangailangan ng suporta. Paano pag ako na ang kailangan umasa? Paano pag ako naman ang gustong sumandal? Paano kung dumating ang panahon na tumulo din ang luha ko? Pwede kaya ako umasa? Sumandal? Umiyak? Sa kanila? Minsan kasi nanghihina din ako eh.

" The problem with you being smarter and stronger is because everybody seems dumber and weaker"

ewan

Pink Eye Graphics & Pink Pictures

pano ba kasi mag add ng banner! can someone help me? anyone?